Men in unexpected pregnancy situations are often set aside as less important than the woman. While she is the one carrying the baby and will bear the weight of the final decision, his feelings and opinions should not be undervalued. We all know that studies show that the father’s support is crucial to our life saving efforts and beyond important in that child’s life as it grows. So let's champion the men that walk through the doors of our clinics right from the start.
Society has taught our young men that the right and the choice belong to the woman alone. For many men, this has stolen their voice or has confined them in a tight space where they feel the only permissible response to the crisis is to say “I will support you in whatever you choose.” This facade of support contradicts the deeper truth that the woman, whether she fully agrees with him or not, she yearns to hear his heart and wants him to share the weight of this decision with her.
We can champion him to support her in the way she so desperately needs by including him every step of the way. During the consultation, we can facilitate open dialogue between them and help him to find his voice if he is feeling stifled by pressure or fear. Of course there are men who are coercive, abusive and pushing for abortion just like there are diehard abortion determined women. But there, in the consultation room, where the Holy Spirit is at work, we should seek to change his heart just as much as hers. We must also remember that not every man prefers abortion in these situations. I have counseled with countless men who just simply needed a cheerleader encouraging them to fight for their baby’s life.
As a mother of 3 young adult sons, this subject is of extreme importance to me. I have raised them to be champions of the women in their lives. God created our men to be strong fathers, family leaders, protectors and providers. In this article, I will highlight strategies that will help the partner feel valued and engaged in the decision making process so that they might feel empowered to support their woman in a life decision.
Strategies for Engaging the Partner
Warm Welcome: Beginning in the waiting room, greet both the client and her partner. Introduce yourself and be sure to get his first name. Simple gestures like a handshake, making eye contact, and thanking him for being there will set a positive tone.
Create a Comfortable Environment: While the screening for domestic violence and the gathering initial information require privacy, the partner can feel awkward sitting in the waiting room for those few minutes. Offer comforts like a water bottle or snack, point out the restroom, provide the wifi password or something to read. Make sure he knows that he will be welcomed into the consultation room shortly since education is essential for both of them. To take it a step further, train receptionists or male volunteers to interact with partners by asking basic questions to prepare them for what they will learn and discuss. This may help to ease any apprehensions they might be feeling.
Consultation Introduction: If the client is comfortable and agrees, inviting the partner into the consultation room is of extreme value. Even in the event that she has shared that he is coercive or abusive, having him be a part of the session may actually be safer for her, though it’s important to ensure it's done with sensitivity. Since you have likely already heard about the woman’s feelings and intentions, it’s now time to engage with him about his initial feelings about the pregnancy outcome. Explain that most men feel they don’t have a voice but that the majority of women do want to hear how their partners truly feel. This can actually facilitate further discussion between them after the appointment, as it’s possible that one or both have not spoken their true feelings up until this point.
Acknowledging Partner's Input: During the intervals between education topics, address the woman and the partner individually being sure to answer all questions and address concerns from both sides. Acknowledge the role of the man in the decision-making process and help him to express himself if he seems closed off. Validate both perspectives and encourage safe, judgment free, open communication between the two of them during their decision making process which will begin after leaving the center.
Ultrasound Preparation: While the woman is being prepped for the ultrasound, prepare the partner for what he may see and experience. Emphasize the importance of supportive behavior and offer that follow-up support specifically for him is available if needed. After the ultrasound is complete, offering the partner his own set of photos will help him to feel valued and keep him engaged in the decision making process even after they leave.
Exit Participation: Invite the partner to provide feedback through an exit survey, emphasizing the value of their personal perspective. While not officially documented, their insights can offer valuable information to help your center improve your approaches with partners in the future. Not to mention donors and potential clients will find value in favorable quotes and reviews from men which is a break from the norm.
Follow-Up Support: If he has provided his phone number on the exit survey, follow up and ask if you might provide any additional assistance. Make sure he knows that while you can’t discuss any specifics about his partner's health, you can support him and answer general questions about pregnancy, options and support resources.
Incorporating these strategies can create a more inclusive and supportive environment, where partners feel valued, engaged, and empowered to actively participate in the decision-making process. By recognizing their importance and involving them throughout the journey, we can foster stronger relationships and enhance the overall effectiveness of our life changing services.
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